Or: What I Have Learned About Conflict Resolution
It seems like it has taken me most of my life to even begin to scratch the surface on conflict resolution.
I have learned that my conflict style is conflict avoidance.
This really should come as no surprise to me. Long ago, as a teenager, I recognized that I was a natural peacemaker.
And the flip side to peacemaker (at least for me) was to avoid conflict–at all costs.
The Problem With Conflict Avoidance
The dark under belly of conflict avoidance is that your issues pile up like a big, stinking trash pile!
The temporary gain of peace by avoiding conflict does not last.
Sweeping conflict under the rug and pretending that everything is okay simply does not work.
Resentment arises when a person feels that they are not being heard. This is what I experienced when I chose to stay silent for the sake of peace.
Resentment also builds when the conflict is not unpacked and resolution or compromise is not reached.
Over time, the two parties grow apart emotionally in order to survive.
Conflict Avoidance Ends In Disaster
If the two people are married, the results are disastrous:
- A dysfunctional relationship, at best
- Spiteful, bitterness towards each other
- Divorce is a common outcome
I have seen all of these scenarios through the years. None are pretty. All are painful and excruciating for everyone involved.
There Is A Better Path
When conflict, disagreements, or differences arise between two or more people, the easy route is to not deal with the conflict head-on (at least for a confirmed conflict avoider!).
However, like the picture above, often the best path for the relationship is to calmly unpack the issue. It may not be the easiest path.
But with persistence and hard work, the relationship will become healthier the more you work on hearing and understanding the other person.
Conflict Resolution Takes Time
At the beginning of a new relationship (platonic or romantic) you are just getting to know the other person and conflict is rare.
But as time goes on, you will realize that you differ on how you think, feel, and behave.
Especially in a long-term relationship like a marriage, or even as my children have become independent adults, I have found that it is impossible to agree on every nuance of life.
The path to growing in your relationship with that person may take a winding, uphill journey. It may not always be easy. But if you both stick it out, it will be worth it.
Don’t Walk Away
Walking away from resolving conflict leads to a dry and lonely desert…
The other month, my daughter and I decided to share some time together around God’s Word.
It was a slow Saturday morning, and we both had gotten up about the same time.
As we sat at the table with our breakfast and our Bibles, we decided to share the devotion time with each other.
We were having a really great conversation about what we each had read, when out of nowhere (or so it seemed) we disagreed on a small issue in what we were talking about.
I said something that came across as disrespectful and hurtful to my daughter.
And she responded by getting upset and leaving the table.
I immediately recognized my mistake and began to pray that the Lord would help us both resolve our difference of opinions.
After cooling off for a few minutes, my daughter came back to the table.
We each acknowledged our feisty-ness, and apologized to each other.
Slow Down And Listen
We slowed down, mentally, to allow for each person to share their thoughts.
We gave each other time to talk. And we intentionally listened and asked questions of each other, making sure we were respectful. And making sure we understood each other.
At the end of the conversation, we still did not agree.
But at the end of the conversation, we were able to leave the table at peace with each other, and with a respect and admiration for the other person’s ideas, opinions, and individual humanity.
In short, we stayed at the table long enough to understand each other.
For me, this was a milestone in my life.
As a confirmed peace-maker & conflict avoider, I realized several very valuable lessons that day:
- “Stay at the table” when there is conflict.
- Remain calm. Take a break if you become heated.
- Be respectful and quiet so you can truly hear the other person.
- Respectfully share your own opinions, calmly.
- You may not agree with the other person, but you can still love them where they are.
I still have a long way to go in the conflict resolution department. But I believe I turned a major corner in learning how to have a healthy discussion with someone when we have differing opinions.
